Living on the Outside

I've been back to the DC area a handful of times since moving to California, and each time has been amazing. I miss my friends and family, and familiar sites of the city that I love so much, and the comfort of each couch I can so easily sleep on without a second thought.

My most recent trip was so different, however. My sister kept saying I seemed distant and, the reality was, that I felt distant. It still felt like home to me, but it felt like I was third party to this home. I spent a large part of my trip feeling like that friend who wants to be part of the family, but knows in reality that she's really just a beloved friend who is expected to go home after the weekend is over. It got me wondering how many people actually go through their lives feeling that way: like a third party. A third party to your own life... to yourself, your spouse and friends, your job. I wonder if its a common feeling, and not just one experienced by people like me who tend to feel deeply. Maybe it's "normal" for people who move away from home or switch jobs, or after a few months of a new marriage, to feel sort of Outside their own lives for a period of time.

We experience such an enormous amount of change in our lives that its no wonder we feel, at times, a little outside of ourselves and our situations. I think of the line in Tom Sawyer by Rush, "No changes are permanent, but Change is." The process of change and transition is so exciting and overwhelming that it isn't until the dust settles when we take a step back and think, "Wait a second... how to I fit in here?" Facing the past and the present in the same moments, and realizing that although they are so close we can feel them touching each side of our hearts, the reality is that the past is so far behind that we can barely even relate to it anymore. We are in a sort of No Man's Land, where we are fully engaged in the present, yet it tends to feel like an Out of Body experience. So, how do we get the upper hand?

I'm not exactly sure, but the strategy I take is to take a deep breath and relax. Sometimes it's awesome to be the Best Friend who leaves after the weekend. In that case, you only see the best in people. Sometimes its great to still feel like the New Guy at this job where you've been for a year. At least you still get leeway to mess up. New relationships blossom, and earning and giving trust is so hard when you have experienced some tough life lessons. But learning new people is an adventure in itself. Process has potential to teach us so much about ourselves and the world; especially painful Process. Especially a Process that involves people. Especially when we are reflective during any Process.

I think as long as we remain engaged in the moment, taking the time to breathe the fresh air of each new day, its only a matter of time before we feel solid again... like we belong. The world will once again become ours, if only for a short time, before we propel ourselves forward once more.