The Other Side of Visibility

For the last few years, I believed that what I wanted was to experience complete visibility in my relationships.To feel completely visible was my end goal, and I was certain that if I did not have this, my relationships would all remain surface level, lacking in depth and substance.
Only recently did I realize that this idea was too simplistic. Visibility is required to an extent, but beyond that is also the need for mystery, or rather, the respect of mystery. Acknowledgement that our souls are oceans, with depths and corners unknown even to us. The corners have their own life, their own darkness, their own tides and currents. Not only are they not completely visible to us, they may never be visible to anyone else. These corners are discovered by us little by little- some in moments of supreme joy, and many during storms of deep sorrow.

In addition to craving a level of visibility, to the extent of knowing that the people we love see us, and we see them, is the need for our inner circle to respect and embrace our mysteries.

The truth of us, the prism that colors our beings, is too multi faceted to be completely visible to everyone. Just as important as me seeing you is my respect for your darkness- the things that belong to only you (and your god). It is a trust of your mysteries and a dedication to protecting them. I guess I am realizing that part of Visibility, and the love that comes along with desiring to truly see someone else, comes the other aspect, which is protecting the silent place where everyone goes from time to time to either grow or fight demons or rest or explore. It is reading body language and knowing when silence is required; or trusting enough not to ask questions that will overexpose or cheapen another; it is being a warrior without requiring an explanation; or burying a secret and never making mention of it again; protection of the unknown.

True visibility, to me, is not only seeing the people in our lives for who and what they are, and respecting that, but also a level of trust and respect for the isolation that deeper souls require to encounter and experience their own beautiful depths and phases.

Divine Appointments

My meditation and readings this week led me to thoughts of people in my life who have had some tremendous impact on who I am as a person today. As I listed them in my journal, I was able to pinpoint their exact roles, and I knew intuitively why I met them when I did. Some are still in my life as close friends, and others have either drifted away or died. But I can think about them, and know, "Oh, after I met her, I realized how arrogant I truly am"; or, "After I met him, I learned that I crave Community more than I ever knew," and the list goes on. 

After going back through some old notes I had from Thomas Moore's Care of the Soul, and considering what he wrote about the eternity of the soul, I have come to the belief that the names of these people were written on my heart long before I took my first breath. They were destined for me, and I for them, before the dawn of time. Our souls were knitted together for a specific purpose, and the moment we met, fate had been fulfilled.   

My awakening only serves to further intensify the impact these people and events have had. They are like different phases in the beautiful- and sometimes painful- alchemy that has transformed me throughout the years. Even the heartbreak and sorrows, and those who caused them, were instrumental in the evolution of my Self and the ultimate painting of my canvas. 

If you sat down and noted the people who have helped create who you are today, I think you would be amazed at how well choreographed these meetings of "coincidence" really were. And in the end, you might realize, as I did, a refreshing reality:

We have the ability, and possible destiny, to love, and to be loved, by everyone we meet.

The Human Condition

Recently, one of my best friends and I took off for a 5am run near the beach (who the hell runs that early on a Saturday? We do). As we were running, because it was still dark out, she tripped and fell. She jumped back up so fast that I barely had a break in stride, and we continued running for another few miles. 
On the return trip of our loop, I was so focused on the path that I barely noticed dawn was breaking. My friend pointed at the ocean and noted how beautiful the triplet waves looked against a new dawn. 
It wasn't until we returned from our run that I noticed she had totally split her knee when she fell. The next day, I did the same run in the early afternoon, and I realized that where she fell was the roughest part of that entire path. 

For the rest of my run, I couldn't stop thinking about the people I know who have suffered through incredibly dark nights, and no one on the outside would have ever known. Because these extraordinary individuals carried themselves with grace, got back up without breaking stride, and kept putting one foot in front of another, countless outsiders never knew how badly these people were hurting. Or, sadly, with callousness and disregard,the outsiders minimized the pain and effects of the sorrow experienced by those who were weathering a storm. (He/She LOOKED fine, so therefore, must BE fine)

As if she wasn't bad ass enough for not even breaking stride after that fall, despite being in pain, it was my friend who noted the beauty of the sunrise.

It takes strength, courage, and determination to walk with grace while the world falls apart around us. I love that there are tender spirits out there who see beauty in the world even when things are bleak and seemingly hopeless.  That's a choice they make. 
Because of this choice, few would be aware they these precious souls struggle each day to make It work; to show up to life; the figure a way out of their current sorrow. 

It brings be back to a few quotes:

"... Love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the night, and Love dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves. This is our last dance..." (Queen, Under Pressure)

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." (Plato) 

Just food for thought. We never know what battles people are fighting. Even the strongest, bravest, bad ass mofo you know could be experiencing a pain you have not imagined. Be kind. 

Love. 

Advent 2014

I want to first thank everyone who reads these blogs and takes the time to email me, call me, and speak to me in person about them. I had no idea they were read by so many, and I'm honored that people take the time to sit down and read my thoughts. Now I feel so much pressure! Kidding.... I don't.

Here we are again: the beautiful season of Advent; Christmastime; the season of Hope, Life, and Joy. I have been looking forward to it for weeks, and have been thinking about this blog just as long. Last year, I wrote about the reality that, although one door may slam in our face, another will open eventually. I acknowledged that these two events may not (and mostly do not ever) occur in a smooth and steady progression from one day to the next. Usually, we have to endure a period of sorrow and pain while we wait for the sun to rise again.

As we enter Advent, the beginning of the liturgical year, it's a good time to stand back and evaluate where and who you are right now. It is difficult to accept that we have to be completely determined to change our own lives. The work and dedication involved in becoming a better human being is overwhelming, and I believe this is why so many people settle into being stunted caricatures of who they have the potential to become. You can believe all day long in becoming a better person and helping others, or embracing wisdom and hope, etc, but until you actually put those beliefs into practice, they are meaningless. A.W. Tozer wrote, "...if you do not believe something to the extent that you appropriate it in your life, do you really believe it?"

So, back to Hope. Advent, the season of Hope, presents unique challenges to the ailing soul. Proverbs 13:12 comes to mind: Hope deferred makes the heart sick. The aching heart understands the impact and truth of these words very well. But, I circle back to the words of Hemingway (who I love more and more): "It is silly not to hope." It's so hard though, to actually, truly HOPE when our days are filled with stress, fear, pain, and longing. But there is a way to truly believe in Hope, and thus, experience it.

Where there is Hope, there is Love. One way to practice the act of hoping is to practice the act of loving.

And there we have it:

This Christmas, if you wish to experience Hope in a real way, one thing I can tell you is that if you practice acts of Love, you will be a few steps closer to feeling the peace of Hope in your life. You will not meet one person who does not need to experience love in some way. If you put yourself out there, and show love to others, you will see that, at the end of each day, you've experienced new Hope.

May everyone find true joy this season. And may new Hope surround you in a new way which will carry you through the upcoming year.

Living on the Outside

I've been back to the DC area a handful of times since moving to California, and each time has been amazing. I miss my friends and family, and familiar sites of the city that I love so much, and the comfort of each couch I can so easily sleep on without a second thought.

My most recent trip was so different, however. My sister kept saying I seemed distant and, the reality was, that I felt distant. It still felt like home to me, but it felt like I was third party to this home. I spent a large part of my trip feeling like that friend who wants to be part of the family, but knows in reality that she's really just a beloved friend who is expected to go home after the weekend is over. It got me wondering how many people actually go through their lives feeling that way: like a third party. A third party to your own life... to yourself, your spouse and friends, your job. I wonder if its a common feeling, and not just one experienced by people like me who tend to feel deeply. Maybe it's "normal" for people who move away from home or switch jobs, or after a few months of a new marriage, to feel sort of Outside their own lives for a period of time.

We experience such an enormous amount of change in our lives that its no wonder we feel, at times, a little outside of ourselves and our situations. I think of the line in Tom Sawyer by Rush, "No changes are permanent, but Change is." The process of change and transition is so exciting and overwhelming that it isn't until the dust settles when we take a step back and think, "Wait a second... how to I fit in here?" Facing the past and the present in the same moments, and realizing that although they are so close we can feel them touching each side of our hearts, the reality is that the past is so far behind that we can barely even relate to it anymore. We are in a sort of No Man's Land, where we are fully engaged in the present, yet it tends to feel like an Out of Body experience. So, how do we get the upper hand?

I'm not exactly sure, but the strategy I take is to take a deep breath and relax. Sometimes it's awesome to be the Best Friend who leaves after the weekend. In that case, you only see the best in people. Sometimes its great to still feel like the New Guy at this job where you've been for a year. At least you still get leeway to mess up. New relationships blossom, and earning and giving trust is so hard when you have experienced some tough life lessons. But learning new people is an adventure in itself. Process has potential to teach us so much about ourselves and the world; especially painful Process. Especially a Process that involves people. Especially when we are reflective during any Process.

I think as long as we remain engaged in the moment, taking the time to breathe the fresh air of each new day, its only a matter of time before we feel solid again... like we belong. The world will once again become ours, if only for a short time, before we propel ourselves forward once more.

Happy Birthday!

Someone asked me this week, "So, you're gonna be 33? What's next?"

Me: "34."

This birthday snuck up on me, but I am no less excited than I usually am for my birthdays. It's not a milestone exactly, but making it through last year seems rather noteworthy to me. I've always seen birthdays as another gift from God, the opportunity for me to start over. The way people feel about New Year's Eve and New Year's Day is how I feel about my birthdays.

10 years ago today, I was one week from becoming a mother. It's hard to believe that this time next week, my little Naomi will be turning 10. Two years after she was born, I was again pregnant, on my 25th birthday, and I would become a mother of two, and be finished having children that year. The next year would be a complete blur due to the fact that Rachel never slept. So, I don't actually remember much of 25/26. I know I was 26 when I finished graduate school though. Another milestone year.

The year I turned 30 would prove to be the worst year of my life. Although, I have to admit that turning 30, in itself, was actually really cool. I felt I'd accomplished a lot by then and I was set up to reap the benefits during that decade. On my 31st birthday, I was away from the family, working at achieving my dream. Me and 47 others were being completely smoked in the middle of the woods on that hot-as-hell June day, and I remember thinking, "Wow. Worst birthday ever!" The chow hall had chocolate frozen yogurt though, so it wasn't that bad. My 32nd year was a lot of work and an extreme exercise in endurance... which brings me to 33. It's crazy to reflect back to 10 years ago today. I never imagined that 10 years later, I'd be sitting in Southern California, living the life I lead. Despite any set-backs and heartaches, I find it to be incredible.

I have high hopes for this year. I keep thinking of what Mark Twain said: "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear- not absence of fear."

He summed it up. No matter how scary the goals are, or the moment is, I'm all in. Embracing the gift of another year, the gift of life that can be taken away at any given moment, and making it matter in the universe, is a goal I have each year. This year, I pray it's full of more laughter than tears; more adventures; more love; more books; and more travel.

Goals for this year? I want to get married again. KIDDING!!

I continue to engage in the journey of deeper self discovery, knowing that it will not only benefit me, but also my girls. I embrace what Tozer wrote about the topic:

"Rules for Self Discovery:
1. What we want most;
2. What we think about most;
3. How we use our money;
4. What we do with our leisure time;
5. The company we enjoy;
6. Who and what we admire;
7. What we laugh at.”  

Exploring these principles (try it! it's awesome) and studying my answers to them has been a central focus of mine this year, and will continue to be so for the year to come. Since we are ever-changing, ever-evolving beings, the answers to these phrases are ever-changing. It's amazing to read my answers to these today, as compared to my answers to similar phrases five years ago (hurray for old journals).

Specific goals: get my motorcycle license, get a motorcycle, finish all of Tozer's books and read at least five more classics, exercise paaaaatience and actually get better at it, travel up the coast to Washington on another epic camping trip with my girls, eat super clean, and get Rachel to be up and finished with breakfast in less than an hour every morning. I've got some other goals in the making, but I haven't completely hashed out the details.

Cheers to all my friends and family who read my blogs, sent birthday wishes, dined with me, and raised a glass. I feel loved

And love, true love...

If people must meet my ideals before I can love them, then I can never truly love. If  my love must be predicated by certain check boxes, then it is not truly love of a person, but of an ideal. A love rooted in ideals or ideas is a love rooted in the abstract, and not in reality. The abstract is lost in this world. Marriages, friendships, families, and business relationships are lost due to love being rooted in our ideals and abstracts of what "should be" rather than what truly is. The love of an ideal is a love without grace and mercy, and without grace and mercy, there can be no forgiveness or pardoning. How can anyone measure up in this system of selfishness? It doesn't matter if its romantic or if its your own brother: if our love is not rooted in a reality, in a desire and willingness to truly love with our whole hearts, our relationships can not be sustained.

Here comes a long and deeply profound quote:

"If a person has to be pleasing to me, comforting, reassuring, before I can love him, then I cannot truly love him. Not that love cannot console or reassure! But if I demand first to be reassured, I will never dare to begin loving. If a person has to be a Jew or a Christian before I can love him, then I cannot love him. If he has to be black or white before I can love him, then I cannot love him. If he has to belong to my political party or social group before I can love him, then I cannot love him. If he has to wear my kind of uniform, then my love is no longer love because it is not free: it is dictated by something outside itself. It is dominated by an appetite other than love. I love not the person, but his classification, and in that I love him not as a person but as a  thing. I love his label which confirms me in my attachment to my own label. But in that case I do not even love myself. I value myself not for what I am, but for my label, my classification. In this way I remain at the mercy if forces outside myself, and those who seem strange to me to be neighbors are indeed strangers for I am first a stranger to myself."   -Thomas Merton