Back to Work

We all know that being a mom is not for the weak or faint of heart. The only thing easy about being a mom is loving your children (note that I did not use the word "liking"). A mother's love is so natural and immediate. With that easy love, however, comes more struggle and uncertainty than any mom is prepared to experience. So many decisions to be made. 

There has never been a true consensus amongst women about what is better: working or staying home. There are a few enlightened mamas who say that whatever is good for mom is good for baby. That makes up about five percent of women, in my experience. The other 95% are condescending, passive aggressive know-it-alls who are certain that their choice in the matter is the universally right choice. These are the women who shame anyone who makes a different choice, perpetuating a cycle of women against women that continues for generations and generations. 

The truth is that this incredibly personal decision is an absolute struggle for all moms. I think it presents more tears, concerns, and internal struggle than almost any other parental decision we make. Even if mom is sure of her decision to go into work or stay home, the domino effects on the baby and her family weigh on her day and night. It's not just one decision; it's a million decisions which are reevaluated constantly, and for years. 

I am in the "I want to work" camp, and, trust me, I've heard just about every nasty remark there could be over the last 13 years. Everything from "We can't all pay someone else to raise our kids" to "Awww, when do you get time with your children" and, my personal favorite, "Oh, I just don't know how you leave her each day! You're stronger than me" (imagine the most condescending tone you can for that one). I've known enough stay-at-home counterparts to know that they also put up with the same nastiness. "I just have to have adult interaction," or "Don't you miss getting a paycheck?" and, "Oh, you don't work? Don't you get bored?" Ahem, really?  

She can't sleep at night,
but she can sleep during hockey.
We need to get this figured out soon.

I spent the last 13 years growing accustomed to juggling a job outside the home and after school care and daycare for my girls. It became like second nature to me. While I am used to giving an agonizing amount of thought to who helps with my daughters and where they go after school, I forgot that these choices are a completely different ballgame than considering care for an infant. With an infant, the mom who works outside the home has to anguish over a whole different set of issues. An infant can't defend herself or tell mom when something is wrong. Even a toddler can display definite signs of "this situation needs to change." The cries of an infant can mean anything. So, now I have been thrust back into that special layer of hell. Who can be trusted with my little Hope? 

My job is my calling and I have never hesitated to answer that call. Now, after having taken time off, I am eager to get back and do what I do. But my baby.... She's so small. It's crazy that I had forgotten these feelings. I know I felt them before and I remember how it all turned out. The perfect women came at the perfect times and my daughters were always loved and adored by my various villages while I worked outside my house. This time will be no different. 

Next Up: "The Third Time's a Charm"