Photo Blog

A photo blog seems like a good idea right about now.

This is what I have been doing for the last 4 weeks:

It’s totally kicking my ass, and it makes me feel like this when I am finished:

I’m hoping that when I finish, I will look like this:

Kidding. That’s fucking gross. That woman probably eats her young.

Speaking of Young…

The kids are doing great in school, and I keep being asked to join the PTA. I’d rather do this:

This guy is my current obsession:

(check out his superior cooking skills here)

If you are interested in killing some time, these are awesome:
Prisoner Blogs!

Haven’t done this in almost two months:

Have been doing A LOT of this:

And these are a couple of recent favorites:

KID PLANK!

This is the only snow we got this year. Lame.

Recent photo of me:

Currently reading:

And lastly, my current playlists have consisted of Incubus, Avenged, The Xx, Little People, Jack Johnson, and Mozart.

Cheers, everyone, and welcome to the end of February!

The Season of Hope

This morning, we lit the first candle of Advent, read our daily verse, and talked about the season of Hope and what that means to us. What I didn’t expect was a bunch of questions about why we no longer go to church and reminders that I said I’d be looking for a new church.

“We celebrate Advent, but we don’t go to church.” (Naomi)

“Well, Advent isn’t about going to church. It’s about celebrating the birth of Jesus.” (+1 for mom!)

“Oh. Ok. But you said you were looking for a church.” (Dammit, Naomi)

“Sometimes it takes Moms a long time to find a church.” (In your face, Kid)

My last statement worked for a few minutes while we talked about Jesus, Mary, and Joseph (the people, not the expletive) and then the girls went back to something about the Light of the World, why people go to church, and what Christmas is about. I was actually pretty impressed with their knowledge since, apparently, I am not overly religious and, even though I told them I’d be looking for a new church almost five months ago, we still enjoy sleeping in every Sunday. Also, I have yet to start reading their bibles with them every night. Or, ANY night, for that matter. I mean, I did it for a few nights back in July. Does that count?

They have a rough understanding of what the Real Deal is, though (despite my slackage as a parent).To them, Christmas is about Hope, giving, light, Life, and joy. I am working with them on what it means to be grateful—which I find easiest to teach by going through their bedroom with gigantic trash bags and getting rid of their favorite toys—and the importance of Family. Man oh man- the Family deal is blurry and totally convoluted right now, but hey, we are doing the best we can. They seem to get how important Family is to Rian and me, and I think this is a true miracle.

(Kidding about how I teach gratefulness)

What I love about the kids is that they are so smart; so resilient; so open to loving and laughing; and so clueless when they call you to the mat for something you said you’d do, but haven’t done yet. I have to love how genuine they are!

So, here’s to Advent; Hope; Light; Gratefulness; And the idea that I will actually, maybe, hopefully, remember to read our daily verse each day and my daughters will continue to find things to feel joyous about throughout this season.

(On the days I forget to do Advent, I’ll just play the following clip for them):

Over-what??

After dealing with an overly sore foot for almost a month following the Century I did, I finally gave in and went to see the good Doc. The diagnosis was not that someone had been putting boogers in my sandwich (Yes, he has said that before). After I moved his 85lb cat off the exam table and sat down so he could take a little look-see, he told me I had a repetitive motion injury and that both the ligaments and tendons had been damaged. No impact cardio for a MONTH! That bastard! We talked about my other options, after I assured him that I could not, and would not, be taking a month off. I mean, jeez...I may as well just take my Fat Jeans out of storage at the mere thought of it.
When I got back to the office, after a reassuring lunch with ST, I had decided on a great course of action and I knew I would remain as fit as a fiddle with my new routine, which would include all kinds of fun things, like....ok, there was nothing "fun" about it, but I did have some good ideas.

I walked into the kitchen to refill my water, and ended up in a conversation with one of my bike buddies from work. I told him my sad tale of injury, and he mentioned that, given my stress level and the amount of time I have been spending working out, I might be over-trained and need a break. He then told me some stories about HIS over-training days, when he did a century and then a marathon two weeks later (he is a total bad ass). I was somewhat annoyed when I got back to my desk and I started doing research right away. What are some of the symptoms of an athlete who is over-trained? Well I'm not going to outline them here, because I want you to do your own friggin research, but I had almost every one of them. Friggin frick.

After a lot of thought and even a few tears, I did a little more research and talked to my most trusted Bro-In-Law and we decided my best course of action would be to take two weeks and do nothing but Yoga and stretching. After that, I could get back to work, sans any impact cardio for two additional weeks.

I don't know what it was about all this that had me so upset, but I felt like rubbish for the rest of the day! I envisioned myself eating shit tons of Taco Bell and curry chicken, just as I did when I was pregnant. Or, eating a bunch of spaghetti sauce as I did the dishes. Or, one of my personal Liz favorites: not eating the crust on pizza slices to ensure that I had the belly space to eat as many actual slices as possible. I know...I know....I was really sexy back in those days. I was prepared to go find all my larger pants and bras and get ready to bulk up for the winter. I mean, it IS winter after all, and it HAS been pretty cold out. I envisioned myself in some of the photos we have of me and newborn Naomi (lawdy lawdy) and my legs were...uh....not fit. Or, as Rian would say (not about me, of course) they were "sturdy."

This blog is actually being written so I can cleanse my soul and confess to all readers that I am certifiably insane and unreasonable about what happened yesterday. I think injury to my foot was actually a Godsend. My knees, shoulders, ankles, and back have been killing me for weeks. I have been gimpy and tweaked since August, with one body part after another screaming out in pain.
So- here's to my health! I'm going to rest for TWO STRAIGHT WEEKS for the first time in I-don't-know-how-long. When I get back, I'll be back, and The Griz Shall Rise Again.

That is all.

Submerged

Most adults, if not all of us, know the feeling. Each day is a slow motion effort to move on to the next moment. There are so many questions, perhaps so much fear, and certainly more anxiety than we have ever experienced, and time is moving so slowly that each breath feels like it lasts for minutes. Every movement is exhausting-- a complete exercise in will power and sheer stubbornness. Life went from Sunlight to Darkness faster than we could say, "WHOA, wait!" and now we are navigating our days in a darkness and density of heartache that feels as though we have been thrown from a yacht into shark-infested seas. The pain of reality grips your chest as you hold your breath, waiting for........something. Anything.

It could be a stagnant time of life that has left you powerless and full of despair. For a lot of people, it's a significant loss or change that was unexpected. Either way, the consuming ocean of darkness is all over you and you spend your days fighting for your life.

One thing I have noticed during these times is that, when they are over, you know what you are really made of. At that moment when you come up for your first gasp for fresh air-- through laughter, adventure, relief, or any unexpected positive turn of events-- you can take a step back and realize that you are far stronger than you ever imagined. You just managed to swim around an entire ocean, navigating through scores of scary creatures and fearful tides, and you didn't die! The journey is still going and it is still yours. There is much more living to be done and, more importantly, more much LOVING to be done.

Submersion, which won't kill you, has more to offer than you could ever imagine. When you take those first joyful breaths, you have just been reborn. The sun is brighter; the sky is bluer; the fall is more crisp...you get the picture.
A few things that have sustained me through my own submersion into the Ocean of Pure Hell are these:

Relationships: during a time of deep heartache, the building and maintenance of critical relationships is paramount. Transparency with those who I trust has made the difference between me suffering alone and knowing that, while no one else can carry the fear/sadness/despair/etc, I am standing shoulder to shoulder with people who would carry these burdens without hesitation. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is scary, but it needs to happen for you to really experience the fullness of the love people around you have. This vulnerability is like drafting behind an accomplished swimmer when your reserves are almost none. It's essential to reaching the top.
Silence: as Depeche Mode once said, "Enjoy the silence." Regardless of how you typically recharge, the Silence of your reality is going to swallow you whole. As much as people love you and as much as they want to Be There for you, this ocean is yours to navigate. The best thing you can do is use the isolation to reflect on your own soul and really examine your life and your journey. Among other things, the loneliness of complete submersion forces you to say, "Wait a minute. What do I want? Who do I want to be?" Envision your journey. Although you are still under water, at least you are swimming toward something.
Adventure/Routine Changes: this comes in many forms, including ANY new experience, endeavor, or creative outlet. Depending on your personality, this may be just as difficult as Vulnerability. However, when your limits are being tested, I also think it's a good time to remind yourself that the world can be full of wonder. Even though you FEEL like you are dead, you aren't.  Starting a new workout, trying new foods every week, switching your home routine...anything...all these things... adventure adds a dimension of light on your darkest of days, which can bring you to a level of catharsis. When there is nothing else to say as you lay in bed at night, it will comfort your aching soul to say to yourself, "At least I...."

(For me, some of these changes and/or adventures included the act of making my bed every day- I’m not kidding. I know this seems small, but it brought order into my chaos- making travel plans, amping up my gym time, reading new books, and writing, writing, writing, all the time. See? Baby steps)

The slow motion, endurance-testing, soul-enveloping, heart-aching days don't last forever. They precede your rebirth into life. They close a chapter on something else. They can make you strong if you don't let them break you into pieces.

When you look around you, you will see that many people are floating, swimming furiously, flailing around, or near death in their oceans. When nothing else about your hell makes sense, know this: you now have something to offer the living dead. For me, this was/has been everything. When you awake from your nightmare, you will have the ability to stand shoulder to shoulder as a Warrior for someone else because you have been there. You've seen the ocean and survived your own imminent death. Surely, this opportunity to be a Warrior has to give you a little bit of strength to make it through another day.

Transparency II: Discretion

What do I think about transparency and how discretion fits in to all that?

It’s pretty simple: don’t be an idiot. Trust who you can trust and keep mum around anyone who sets off the radar of your spidey senses. There is nothing wrong or dishonest about not trusting people enough to live your life openly in front of them. In fact, living your life openly in front of people who you know are untrustworthy makes you foolish.

The concepts of transparency-- which, for me, fall in the same categories as honesty, character, integrity, owning your life, and leading by example—do NOT involve throwing your heart/soul/spirit out there for the unwashed masses to view, judge, critique, or any impulse that befalls them. Being Honest and Transparent is not synonymous with being naïve. In fact, Honesty and Transparency are for people who want to accomplish, achieve, succeed, and actually LIVE. In order to do these things, one must also be thoughtful and intuitive. Being thoughtful and intuitive requires us to sit back and allow silence to teach us what is required to get us to the next step in life.

The inability to use discretion appropriately only succeeds in setting people up for heartache, and possibly, ultimate failure. Before you open your mouth about your goals, heartaches, or current grievances, I think it’s important to ask yourself:

Why do I want to communicate THIS information to THAT person?

What do I hope to accomplish through this disclosure?

What are my risks? What are HIS/HER risks?

If these split-second assessments are telling you observe a moment of silence, this is not indicative of dishonesty or lies of omission on your part. It’s being WISE. It’s learning from your mistakes and listening to your gut instincts. It’s moving you forward to where you want to be. Moreover, and equally as important, it’s you being honest with yourself about the people around you.

Also, it’s important to bear in mind that your attempts at transparency do not give you a free pass to unload your thoughts on to people who you know deep in your heart are ill-equipped to carry them. There is a reason Christ wasn’t BFFs with every Tom, Dick, and Harry who loved him! He didn’t unveil his heart and soul to every person who he met, or every person who loved him. Christ didn’t go and tell everyone, “Hey, guess who is going to betray me by the end of the night!” This wasn’t a lack of transparency on his part. Even though he knew the implications of what was about to transpire, he didn’t throw discretion to the wind in the interest of warning everyone that they were about to witness what history had been predicting.

The bottom line is: Know your true friends. Know your true loves. Transparency with them is what is paramount.

At the same time: you know when your gut is telling you to keep your mouth shut. When this happens, do yourself and everyone around you a favor and deal with that particular issue in silence. Pray, read, exercise, THINK, THINK, THINK. There are certainly ways to accomplish our goals without putting them on a movie screen for everyone to see.

The answer is simple: be wise in your communication. Wisdom is supreme. Wise communication is divine.

Gayer for Mayer

"Vultures"

Some of us, We're hardly ever here
The rest of us, we're born to disappear
How do I stop myself from
Being just a number
How will I hold my head
To keep from going under

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
But I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me,testing me

How did they find me here
What do they want from me
All of these vultures hiding
Right outside my door
I hear them whisperin
They're tryin to ride it out
Cause they've never gone this long
Without a kill before

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me, testing me

Wheels up
I got to leave this evening
Can't seem to shake these vultures
Off of my trail
Power is made, by power being taken
So I keep on running
To protect my situation

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me

Transparency

In terms of professionalism, we as a society demand transparency in nearly every aspect of our lives; from Congress to banks, schools, supervisors, and colleagues. We feel we have a right to open communication and ultimate accountability. So why is it that we feel entitled to conceal these things in our personal lives?

Open Communication:

The advantages of communication have been paramount in my life. Open communication has allowed me to unlock things that have been locked away for so long that I wasn’t even sure how to communicate them when I ultimately decided to verbalize these truths.

If you are open with others, they are open with you.

If you want something, what are you chances of getting it if you do not ask?

If you expect something, how can you hold others accountable if they are unaware of your expectations?

Most importantly: who is in charge of your communication? You? Or the person/people to whom you are (or are not) communicating?

Utilizing open communication has far more advantages than disadvantages. Allowing people to see you as you would like to see them breaks the barriers of secrecy, hidden agendas, and unknown motivations. This lack of connection almost always results in NOT getting what you want/need.

Some pitfalls of open communication: vulnerability, betrayal, or misrepresentation by others. I would submit that vulnerability in many regards is an essential ingredient to getting what you want. Vulnerability is a positive form of manipulation that allows your counterparts to see exactly who you are and what you are after, which takes the guesswork out of their decision-making process. Betrayal happens regardless of which path you choose (transparency or not). People who betray will betray, regardless of what they know about you. When you put Your Truths out there for everyone to see, you have not necessarily armed those who will betray. They would also choose to betray if they did not know your truths. As far as misrepresentation goes: what better way to avoid being misrepresented than to ensure that your intentions, desires, needs, and/or expected outcomes are right there in front of you for people to see/feel/hear?

Accountability:

Accountability is, to me, one of the most critical aspects of any relationship, both professional and personal. I could write an entire blog on Accountability.

When the stakes are the highest, accountability is what we rely on for success (NA, AA, weight loss, counseling, academics). Accountability is the unmistakable communication between cause and effect. Moreover, accountability is allowing your goals and intentions to be known, which effects how you go about living.

Transparency allows accountability.

Accountability encourages forward movement. Forward movement gets us where we want to be.

Placing your faith in individuals who will not hold you accountable is foolish.

Hiding your intentions so that others can not hold you accountable is foolish.

Without accountability, people have the ability to float wherever the moment takes them, which can be to some pretty dark places. Without accountability, direction can not be steered or monitored. Without accountability, failures go unrecognized; or, worse, failures are experienced alone, which doesn’t allow others the chance to encourage or love in ways that are meaningful.

Transparency, which invites accountability, as I see it, is the most effective way to communicate who you are, what you want, and what you expect of those around you. Without it, your ability to achieve many goals is severely impaired.