Transparency II: Discretion

What do I think about transparency and how discretion fits in to all that?

It’s pretty simple: don’t be an idiot. Trust who you can trust and keep mum around anyone who sets off the radar of your spidey senses. There is nothing wrong or dishonest about not trusting people enough to live your life openly in front of them. In fact, living your life openly in front of people who you know are untrustworthy makes you foolish.

The concepts of transparency-- which, for me, fall in the same categories as honesty, character, integrity, owning your life, and leading by example—do NOT involve throwing your heart/soul/spirit out there for the unwashed masses to view, judge, critique, or any impulse that befalls them. Being Honest and Transparent is not synonymous with being naïve. In fact, Honesty and Transparency are for people who want to accomplish, achieve, succeed, and actually LIVE. In order to do these things, one must also be thoughtful and intuitive. Being thoughtful and intuitive requires us to sit back and allow silence to teach us what is required to get us to the next step in life.

The inability to use discretion appropriately only succeeds in setting people up for heartache, and possibly, ultimate failure. Before you open your mouth about your goals, heartaches, or current grievances, I think it’s important to ask yourself:

Why do I want to communicate THIS information to THAT person?

What do I hope to accomplish through this disclosure?

What are my risks? What are HIS/HER risks?

If these split-second assessments are telling you observe a moment of silence, this is not indicative of dishonesty or lies of omission on your part. It’s being WISE. It’s learning from your mistakes and listening to your gut instincts. It’s moving you forward to where you want to be. Moreover, and equally as important, it’s you being honest with yourself about the people around you.

Also, it’s important to bear in mind that your attempts at transparency do not give you a free pass to unload your thoughts on to people who you know deep in your heart are ill-equipped to carry them. There is a reason Christ wasn’t BFFs with every Tom, Dick, and Harry who loved him! He didn’t unveil his heart and soul to every person who he met, or every person who loved him. Christ didn’t go and tell everyone, “Hey, guess who is going to betray me by the end of the night!” This wasn’t a lack of transparency on his part. Even though he knew the implications of what was about to transpire, he didn’t throw discretion to the wind in the interest of warning everyone that they were about to witness what history had been predicting.

The bottom line is: Know your true friends. Know your true loves. Transparency with them is what is paramount.

At the same time: you know when your gut is telling you to keep your mouth shut. When this happens, do yourself and everyone around you a favor and deal with that particular issue in silence. Pray, read, exercise, THINK, THINK, THINK. There are certainly ways to accomplish our goals without putting them on a movie screen for everyone to see.

The answer is simple: be wise in your communication. Wisdom is supreme. Wise communication is divine.

Gayer for Mayer

"Vultures"

Some of us, We're hardly ever here
The rest of us, we're born to disappear
How do I stop myself from
Being just a number
How will I hold my head
To keep from going under

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
But I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me,testing me

How did they find me here
What do they want from me
All of these vultures hiding
Right outside my door
I hear them whisperin
They're tryin to ride it out
Cause they've never gone this long
Without a kill before

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me, testing me

Wheels up
I got to leave this evening
Can't seem to shake these vultures
Off of my trail
Power is made, by power being taken
So I keep on running
To protect my situation

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me

Transparency

In terms of professionalism, we as a society demand transparency in nearly every aspect of our lives; from Congress to banks, schools, supervisors, and colleagues. We feel we have a right to open communication and ultimate accountability. So why is it that we feel entitled to conceal these things in our personal lives?

Open Communication:

The advantages of communication have been paramount in my life. Open communication has allowed me to unlock things that have been locked away for so long that I wasn’t even sure how to communicate them when I ultimately decided to verbalize these truths.

If you are open with others, they are open with you.

If you want something, what are you chances of getting it if you do not ask?

If you expect something, how can you hold others accountable if they are unaware of your expectations?

Most importantly: who is in charge of your communication? You? Or the person/people to whom you are (or are not) communicating?

Utilizing open communication has far more advantages than disadvantages. Allowing people to see you as you would like to see them breaks the barriers of secrecy, hidden agendas, and unknown motivations. This lack of connection almost always results in NOT getting what you want/need.

Some pitfalls of open communication: vulnerability, betrayal, or misrepresentation by others. I would submit that vulnerability in many regards is an essential ingredient to getting what you want. Vulnerability is a positive form of manipulation that allows your counterparts to see exactly who you are and what you are after, which takes the guesswork out of their decision-making process. Betrayal happens regardless of which path you choose (transparency or not). People who betray will betray, regardless of what they know about you. When you put Your Truths out there for everyone to see, you have not necessarily armed those who will betray. They would also choose to betray if they did not know your truths. As far as misrepresentation goes: what better way to avoid being misrepresented than to ensure that your intentions, desires, needs, and/or expected outcomes are right there in front of you for people to see/feel/hear?

Accountability:

Accountability is, to me, one of the most critical aspects of any relationship, both professional and personal. I could write an entire blog on Accountability.

When the stakes are the highest, accountability is what we rely on for success (NA, AA, weight loss, counseling, academics). Accountability is the unmistakable communication between cause and effect. Moreover, accountability is allowing your goals and intentions to be known, which effects how you go about living.

Transparency allows accountability.

Accountability encourages forward movement. Forward movement gets us where we want to be.

Placing your faith in individuals who will not hold you accountable is foolish.

Hiding your intentions so that others can not hold you accountable is foolish.

Without accountability, people have the ability to float wherever the moment takes them, which can be to some pretty dark places. Without accountability, direction can not be steered or monitored. Without accountability, failures go unrecognized; or, worse, failures are experienced alone, which doesn’t allow others the chance to encourage or love in ways that are meaningful.

Transparency, which invites accountability, as I see it, is the most effective way to communicate who you are, what you want, and what you expect of those around you. Without it, your ability to achieve many goals is severely impaired.

Brown v. Entertainment Merchants Association

I have to say that I am still a little stunned at harsh commentary regarding the decision made by the Supreme Court this week in the Brown v. Entertainment Merchants Association case. 

Facts in a nutshell: (2006) California passed a law that attempted to regulate the sale of violent video games to minors. Gaming industry sued under the 1^st and 14^th Amendments. Ninth Circuit found in favor of gaming industry. Schwarzenegger filed a writ of certiorari. Bing, bang BOOM, the Supreme Court surprises everyone by hearing the case.

Outcome: Supremes upheld the opinion of the Ninth Circuit, citing violations of the 1^st and 14^th Amendments, under the rationale that:

A.    Violent video games are not obscene

B.    California could not show a compelling interest in regulating the sale of “violent” games to minors. (1. The bill was too broad in language and 2. Parents should maintain all that decision-making power)

C.    The Miller test, or LAPS Test, do not apply

A: Obscene.

I don’t need to define “obscene” here. The first quote that comes to mind is the very famous quote by former Justice Stewart (Warren Court), “I’ll know it when I see it,” which was used in reference to the threshold for pornography. The Supreme Court has heard case after case related to the sale of materials that are  perceived to be obscene and has, for the most part, stayed true to what they believed the Framers intended when the 1^st and 14^th A’s were written. Our freedom of speech and due process under the law are principles that can not be easily cast aside just because some members of society are offended. Or, moreover, because state governments want to “help” parents make appropriate decisions for their children.

BUT, Liz, you say:

“If we apply the Stewart Standard, video games that depict rape, robbery, and murder are obscene! Anyone who says differently is lying to themselves and to their audience in the interest of seeming enlightened…or whatever.”

 I, too, find it interesting that Court is contending that our evolving standards of decency do not apply here. Note: the bill was not forbidding the sale of violent games. It was just regulating it.

However, and more important than our opinions and shifting slopes of “evolving standards”:

Obscenity Standards have applied to sexually explicit materials in the past and the Roberts Court contended that they did not apply to violence or games. Fair point. Court precedent wins.

B: Compelling Interest

Thanks, California! First, you want to punt the Pledge of Allegiance from our schools because of “God,” your “feelings,” something, something, youcantmakeagoodargumentforit. HOWEVER, you are totally in favor of LEGISLATION, rather than YOU, which regulates what your minor children can or can not purchase? Make up your minds!

Anyway, that was a little off topic. California could not show a compelling interest because there is no hard science to back up claims that violent media produces violent minors. Look to Columbine and any other national tragedy all you want, folks. The science isn’t there! Those violent incidences resulted in knee-jerk legislation by law makers who were desperate to appease scared, heartbroken, and/or weak-minded voters. However, the bottom line is that either you want the State to tell you what is good for you, or you don’t. You can’t play both sides of that fence where there is no apparent, tangible compelling interest.

C: Miller and LAPS

The LAPS test came from the Miller case (which ruled on the distribution of obscene materials) and consisted of the following thresholds:

• Whether "the average person, applying contemporary community standards", would find that the work, taken as a whole, appeals to the prurient interest,
• Whether the work depicts/describes, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct specifically defined by applicable state law,
• Whether the work, taken as a whole, lacks serious Literary, Artistic, Political or Scientific value.

What I found most interesting about this was that, in his dissent, Breyer wrote, “But what sense does it make to forbid selling to a 13-year-old boy a magazine with an image of a nude woman, while protecting a sale to that 13­ year-old of an interactive video game in which he actively, but virtually, binds and gags the woman, then tortures and kills her?”

Touché, Sir. Except... 

That’s just not enough to mow over the 1^st and 14^th. (Also, as I mentioned earlier, the principles of Miller and Ginsberg were directly related to the sale of pornographic materials.)

(Side note: If you read Ginsberg v. New York, you will be stunned that the opinion of the Warren court in that case wasn’t used for this one as well. Trust me, I agree with you, and so did Breyer in his dissent. The only thing I can figure is that the Roberts Court really believed that video games and pornography are different).

The gaming industry used ingenious Amicus briefs to make comparisons between presumably violent cartoons of the past (Mighty Mouse and Road Runner) and the level of violence in the public. The bottom line was that these violent games were not found to have a negative affect on the Youth of America. Sure, there is a difference between Mighty Mouse and Grand Theft Auto. HOWEVER, the State of California failed to illustrate it effectively.

Justice Scalia wrote the opinion of the Court and noted:

 "Like the protected books, plays, and movies that preceded them, video games communicate ideas—and even social messages—through many familiar literary devices (such as characters, dialogue, plot, and music) and through features distinctive to the medium (such as the player’s interaction with the virtual world). That suffices to confer First Amendment protection."

Scalia later wrote that “the principles of free speech can not be varied.” Whether or not we can all agree on the idea that violent video games are foul, disgusting, counter-productive to our goals as parents/teachers, we must remain focused on the principles upon which our great nation was founded. Our 1^st and 14^th rights are of paramount importance to our advancement as the world’s greatest nation. So, sorry if everyone disagrees with Brown. But seriously, California really botched this one in a big way…not the Supreme Court.

The Slumbering Society (Dare to Achieve II)

I often wonder what gets people moving. When I meet someone, one of the first curiosities I have is about what gets his/her heart thumping and why. The people who fascinate me the most are the ones who could clearly answer those questions in an instant. Those people are few and far between, unfortunately.  I don’t believe this is because others have never had purpose or reason. I think it is because, over time, these dreams and visions were “reasoned” right out of our minds.

It’s a strange shift in principles that seems to take place sometime during our twenties; a drastic shift in our Ideals Paradigm. American children are “encouraged” (I say they are forced) to over-extend themselves from the time they are in diapers until they finally escape the tentacles of their “over-achieving” parents and attend college somewhere far, far away. It is there that they blossom, strategize their visions, and begin the work of moving forward towards their destinies. Somewhere along the lines, however, the same parents who signed them up for little league at the age of nine months begin to sway them from their lofty aspirations. The clear messages are: that’s not realistic; that doesn’t make enough money; you can’t do all that. Their visions are clouded with doubt, which sets the stage for reconsideration, which slows the neck-breaking pace of success and achievement, and then BOOM...there is some cognitive restructuring and, not so suddenly, those lofty dreams become “realistic” dreams and they begin to live the Great American Dream. Hummmmmmmmmdrummmmmmm monoooottttoooony.

This, of course, isn’t true for everyone and I’m generalizing, obviously. There is certainly a select, fortunate group of people who truly can not wait for the sun to rise. They are prepared for battle at every moment and they intend to secure their dreams no matter what occurs. They have encountered the pitfalls; fielded the discouraging words; and worked through periods of preparation (or, what Dr. Seuss called, “the waiting place”). These are the brilliant people. These are the excited people. These are the ones who make YOU want to get out of bed in the morning and look for the next big adventure. I wish these people existed in abundance. These are the people who should be your mentors.

I’ll use this platform to encourage people to remember the beginning when they had dreams and great aspirations. Remember the excitement of planning and strategizing the next big thing. Remember the adrenaline rush that came with the fear of failing…and use it to force you to push harder. It’s not too late to be That Person.

If you can’t do it all now, that’s ok. Do a piece of it. You wouldn’t believe how healing that can be for the slumbering, weary soul. One piece of your dreams will give you the strength to go after more…and more…and then even more.

WAKE UP! Your life is worthwhile! YOU are worthwhile.

Consider the storms and changes you have weathered in your life. As I see it, beginning the beautiful work of achieving your dreams is a task you are ready to accomplish.

Dr. Seuss had it right:

“You have brains in your head and you have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose!”

Checkmate

Sometime in the last few months, I sent a letter to a close friend and confidant that confided my overwhelming desire to seize another big "checkmate" moment. I have been thinking about this for years, since I finished school. As I make the quick and steady approach to my 30th birthday, I force myself to reflect on my 20s. What did I accomplish, how, why, and how can I improve?

The fact is that I, regretfully, lost sight of the successes and treasured moments I enjoyed during my twenties. My focus is always on the next big thing. Every triumph leads to a new plan; every new plan to a new execution; every completed execution to a new stride; and then the cycle repeats.

Is this a function of the society in which we live? How often do people really sit back, drop anchor, and allow the moment to envelop them? I have started to believe that the effects of this constant forward-movement are more detrimental to our long term happiness than we are willing to acknowledge. The sweet taste of success should not be fleeting at all. It should be savored time and time again. I'm all about living in the moment, and moving forward with the next big dream; but without the critical reflection on those days when we awoke with the unmistakable "Checkmate!" feeling, I don't think we really position ourselves to derive our most potent energy for the purest source: our own souls. Instead, we are constantly shifting in our spiritual chairs, watching and waiting, wondering and planning, ready to pounce.

How long can we run straight into the flames at a million miles an hour before we experience the defeat of exhaustion? The paramount reflection here is that there truly is a time for everything, and a balance to every success. The planning and watching are constant, but these are also moments where resting and rejuvenating really matter. Why not truly allow yourself to clasp your hands behind your head,put your feet up on the table, and say to yourself, "I won"? We force ourselves to physically do this all the time. Why is it so easy to cast our spiritual well-being aside, under the guise of always being ready for the next big thing? You can't be ready for the next big gig if you have exhausted your ability to discern it. And certainly, if you are lucky enough to seize it, you are setting yourself up to be robbed of its beauty.

Our efforts were rewarded and we have positioned ourselves to seize countless "checkmate" moments, if we are wise enough to see the opportunities as they present themselves. For me, my goals are set for the next decade and my energy is replenished. I'm watching, waiting, and listening for my cue. Now, I think the most advantageous thing to do is to lay out in the sun, drink a beer, and take a deep breath. "Go time" could be any minute.

Little Ava

Ever since I played my guitar and sang for the kids at Naomi’s school, I’ve been treated like some sort of celebrity. They always say “Hello!” to me when I pick her up, and typically I am wowed with story after story of whatever happens to occupy their minds at the moment I arrive.

Yesterday, I was early and decided to enjoy the sunshine with all 40+ children as they played on the playground. I did my normal chitchat with the teachers and got up to speed on Naomi’s goings on (FYI: everyone loves her and she is never picked on).

Little Ava is a kindergartner with HUGE glasses. She adores Naomi and is always following her around. After the girls spent a good while showing me all the cool stuff they could do on the slide, Ava came over and said, “Naomi’s Mommy, you’re beautiful.” I responded, “You’re beautiful, too.” She launched right in to a story about her glasses and how she needs them because her eyes cross sometimes. Naomi interrupted the story and told me, in front of Ava, that the kids make fun of Ava’s glasses.

Dagger…straight through my heart.

I suddenly remembered every single time I ate lunch alone, played outside alone, and had kids laugh at me and ridicule me.

“I had glasses, too. I got them when I was eight and wore them until I was 26.”

Ava’s eyes got wide. “You did?”

“Yep. And mean kids didn’t like my glasses either.”

“They didn’t?”

“Nope. And trust me, sweetheart, your glasses show off your pretty eyes.”

She gave me a big smile and took off.

I should have become a school teacher.