Leadership and Love

The bottom line is that if you aren’t giving it everything you’ve got, and then some, you have been, or will be, upstaged. It happens in friendships, romantic interests, sports, our jobs, and in relationships with your own family.

There’s love, and then there’s LOVE. I believe that “love” can be qualified, that there are levels and compartments that are directly related to our abilities to actually feel love, as well as our abilities to show it. I know there are three types of love, and they are well-defined. I am thinking about things more basically, however.

 I have encountered people who have been so emotionally damaged that their abilities to feel and show love are stunted beyond what I can understand. Then there are the others whose emotions and passions run so deep and so intense that their abilities to feel and show love can make you feel like you are actually sitting on top of the world, enjoying a high that many seldom feel throughout an entire lifetime.

To break down how it feels:

A relationship with someone who is emotionally incapable of offering the kind of love that is all-enveloping: it feels empty, always lacking in some intangible component that make the recipient feel wholly accepted, desired, appreciated, and adored. If it involves a romantic interest, the lack of love feels like a black hole. It leaves people feeling stunted and powerless; just sitting and staring, and waiting. I don’t know what they wait for, but they are stuck in that perpetual state of longing. Their storehouse is not full…not even close. With family, a lack of love breeds contempt, feelings of inadequacy and ineptness, self-consciousness, and overall lack of belonging. Both situations are dangerous and both lead to one disaster or another. I have felt, and do feel, this emptiness in some of my relationships. The heartache it causes can be overwhelming and maddening.

On the other side of the coin, there is the kind of love is the kind that makes us all feel equipped to face the world. We have been armored with the most resistant armor available to humans: it’s empowering, intoxicating, joyous, intense, passionate, and invigorating. These relationships enable us to see our strengths, face our weaknesses, and engage in the sweetest moments of our dreams. They set us forth running at full speed to develop the friendship/romantic interest/familial relationship further and further, until we reach a level of love and trust that is beyond what we thought we were ever capable of feeling. The bonds last an entire lifetime, giving us the comfort of knowing that the other person is always there, regardless of geographical distance. I feel this love from only a handful of people in my life. These people have succeeded in upstaging every other individual I encounter. In fact, no one will ever measure up.

I consider the great leaders in history, and all the things that made them “Great Leaders.” I wonder if the ability to love with intensity was a component of who they were. I don’t think people who lack this ability can actually be great leaders or world changers. How can you possibly get people to follow you and believe in you if you are incapable of connecting with them? Is it the ethereal gift of connection that sets a foundation for our leaders? If we investigate the building blocks of leadership, is the ability to truly love at the center of the fundamentals? Would it not be right there with passion, vision, and determination? Can a true leader inspire hope if he/she is incapable of impassioned love?

I ask myself what kind of love people feel from me. Is it empowering? Enveloping? Comfortable? Does it leave them feeling prepared to move forward, to weather storms, to achieve great things?

Or am I cold and distant, or unavailable? What will my girls say about me? Will they tell people that I taught them what love looks and feels like? That, regardless of where I was, my expression of love towards them was full and dynamic? What would my friends say? Do I possess the ability to love so deeply, that my foundations of passion, determination, and vision could lead the nations?

Do you?

 

Insiders

How should I put it?

You’ve been upstaged. You are no longer relevant. You’ve fallen short; I am uninterested in you; We are finished; You feel toxic to me.

Probably the most genuine way for me to say it would be, “I no longer care, or want to care, about you.”

I find that this little sentiment started becoming a regular feeling beginning in my mid-twenties. Day in and day out, I was realizing that people who I had cared for very deeply were quickly falling into the darkened corners of my mind, only to be accessed when I had nothing more important to think about. I thought it was a phase that could be attributed to the crushing amount of pressure I was under at the time. But here I am, years later, still ready to say “goodbye” to all these previous objects of my affection.

I crave silence. Maybe I want to be completely enveloped in my own loneliness. Somehow I’ve convinced myself that this loneliness is healthy. It has become my most familiar status, and one that I cling to more than I ever imagined I would. Maybe it’s something different than that. At one time, I suspected a quarter life crisis. I even speculated that, as the result of me getting older and experiencing too many life changes in such a short amount of time, my mind had somehow morphed and I didn’t recognize myself anymore. As of today, I think it’s a conglomeration of both of these things.

Before now, I expressed love so freely. I felt it freely. Between my late teens and early twenties, I found the perfect stride of someone who was comfortable. The change didn’t take place suddenly; however, I noticed it suddenly. In this moment, I want to slink away into a safe corner where I don’t have to speak. The only people in this corner would be those who are content to sit there in my silence because they understand it. I can count them on one hand. When they reach out to me, I want to reach back. I always want them close as I wrap myself in a perpetual state of gloom. When they are near, I can overcome it. I am comfortable and eager to engage. They bring out the best in me and their presence encourages me to fight, create, grow, and succeed.  

I’d like to think everyone feels this way. We all have our inner circles, and everyone else sits on the periphery of our lives. These inner circles take years to carefully construct, and there is no heartache like the one felt when we are betrayed by one of the treasured members. The outsiders just create noise. They are commercials or pre-games in our lives, but never the main attractions.

And what about the insiders who, over time, become the monotonous noise we try so eagerly to avoid? It’s a painful goodbye. 

Dare to Achieve

 Years ago, I purchased a journal as a gift for someone. The front of the journal displayed Thoreau’s famous quote, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you have imagined.” This quote, I can only assume, is a staple mantra in the lives of thousands of Americans. It represents the American mindset, which is taught to us as children, and reinforced throughout our lives. It captures our values, our deepest desires, and the very foundations of our country (see United States Declaration of Independence). As I look around, I have to wonder how many people actually do “go confidently in the direction” of any one of their dreams. My heart mourns when I consider the reality that it’s not as many people as I hoped.  

At what point in adulthood do we allow guilt, fear, and obligation to interfere with our deepest desires? The foremost of these in my mind is fear. When I think about this restrictive kind of fear, I think about the people I see who settle because they are too afraid to put their lives on the line to get what they want. This crippling fear allows them to make excuses for why they won’t take a sprinting, flying leap into the fire of their deepest desires; whether it be professionally, spiritually, or even in terms of their relationships with family and friends. I know this fear and I taste it on the daily. I think the only way to overcome it is to acknowledge the desire(s), makes the plan(s), and run a million miles an hour. The key with the running is to never look to either side of you. The fear monsters are keeping up.

I understand that it gets much more complicated than all that. Although fear is an underlying issue in many of our roadblocks to living the life we’ve imagined, but what about guilt? Is it possible that guilt may be an even worse blockade? When I think about guilt, I think the following:

“I hate this job, but it supports my lifestyle.”

“I want to learn to be a photographer, but that will take time away from my children.”

“I’ve always wanted to travel to the Grand Canyon, but I can’t take time off work or away from my responsibilities.” Guilt leads to excuses. As my father always said, at the end of the day, “excuses are just lies.” Maybe the real issue with guilt is that you just don’t want it badly enough. And…

I haven’t forgotten sheer laziness in this equation. I’m not really speaking to that situation though. We all know why some people never achieve anything in life. They don’t want to work. I’m talking more about the people who allow inhibitions to swallow them whole, until they ultimately forget who they were to begin with.

People, we live only once. This life was a gift. Being born Americans was a gift. Dreaming is a gift. Squandering these gifts leaves nothing but a belly of regret and, more than likely, a pit of bitterness as we enter the later stages of our lives.  

Those who we admire the most have a few common threads among them: not only did they dare to dream, they also dared to achieve. These “success stories” put it all on the line and took one methodical step after another to get exactly what they wanted in life. They overcame fear, guilt, failure after failure, and managed obligations with desires to achieve the greatest goals of their lives. We look at them with admiration, appreciation, and maybe a little bit of jealousy. They did it. They got it. No shortcuts and no excuses.  

What is it that you really want? What do you think about in your silent moments? What do you dare to dream about as you fall asleep at night? If you are lacking in these things, what do you need to do to make them yours? There are no excuses. There is only planning and hard work. It’s worth it though. Imagine your last moments on this earth. What will you be thinking? I sure as hell hope it’s something along the lines of, “That was awesome!”

Where’s the love?

The concept of true compassion seems to be lost in all the wrong places in our society. Our hearts moan for certain subgroups, while we rarely give a second thought to others. The “weak” have become objects of our intense sympathy, while the “strong” are merely an afterthought. I’m not saying it is wrong to feel compassion for those who are in need, or who have been born into bad circumstances, or those who are just down on their luck for one reason or another. I’m wondering about a shift of focus. People rarely consider the devastation the “strong/winners/champions/whatever” feel when they experience an inevitable fall from grace. I am speaking specifically about people who are held in high regard by their families, friends, employers, churches, etc etc. Not only have they fallen further than anyone ever anticipated, but rarely are they comforted by those who express compassion to “everyone else.” Why is that?

When did we, as a society, become so focused on upward movement that we forgot about the little steps that take place between the gigantic leaps? These steps are intended to move us forward, but far too often we make decisions that move us backward. The reality is that each step makes us who we are, and without failure, how can we really appreciate the sweet taste of success?

What can we do when we are called to stand by someone who is walking through a powerful storm of failure? This portion of our journey will surely come, and I wonder how many people are really prepared to stand back and answer the question, “does this failure characterize this person?”  Answer Hint: nope.

The storm of failure envelops not only the individual, but his or her loved ones. I’m not disregarding the kick to the stomach we all feel when we see a respected counterpart fail. At times, this reality is so devastating that it takes our very breath away. It leaves us staring blankly into space, wondering “what the hell happened?” “How did Ms. Perfect screw things up so royally?” It can make us question our current state of “self.” Well, it should.

Watching Mr. Perfect suffer the crushing blow of failure should not cause us to remember how great we are. On the contrary, it should remind us how fragile our reality can really be. We’re all human, and we are all constantly walking a fine line between success and disaster. Sure, the disaster in question may be a few poor decisions away, but it’s there. Lurking; creeping; waiting. It can happen to anyone. The minute you say to yourself, “Wow, I can’t believe he did that.” I hope the following thought is, “I guess it can happen to anyone.” It can.

All I can say is that it comes down to self-awareness. If you really examine yourself and take all your thoughts, desires, ambitions, and past experiences to heart, you might realize you, too, are standing on the precipice of YOUR fall from grace. So, howzabout we look at our hurting brothers and sisters, take a step toward them, and simply say, “I love you anyway.”