Mourning for Newton

In the wake of the horrific tragedy in Connecticut, I can not take my eyes off my own first grader.

My heart is heavy with immeasurable grief for the parents of the 20 small children who were murdered by a crazed gunman. It is unimaginable how they will go on, cope with the holiday season, or even find the desire to make their own breakfast in the morning.
I'm sure most parents in America are holding their little ones extra close these days; maybe even dreading dropping them off at school tomorrow morning.
There is no greater wrong than the murder of a child and I am proud of our country as I watch people from all corners of the nation, and all walks of life, reach out through prayers and vigils to the families in Newton. May we honor the memories of those who died that day by cherishing our families.
We light the candle of Joy this week, the third week of Advent. I cannot imagine how Joy is found when our hearts are so heavy...

We find it, however. The resilience of the human race is incredible, and we always find a way to go on. 

The father of little Emilie Alice Parker asked that this tragedy "not turn into something that defines us, but something that inspires us to be better, to be more compassionate and more humble people." Amen.

 

Advent 2012: Just when you think it's all over, it's not

 Well, it has been exactly one year and one day since I posted my last Advent blog. Here we are again: The season of Advent. It is a most joyous, awakening, and peaceful season. Even last year, in the midst of the horrific storm and never-ending funeral that followed the death of my 10-year marriage, the season of Advent still permeated my Being with feelings of such gratefulness and peace.
In the church, it is a season of great hope and expectation and preparation. It goes beyond that, though. In addition to the Christian hope, preparation and expectation for the birth of Christ, this time of year is always prime time for hope, joy, and preparations for a new beginning and new shot at achieving all those things that slipped through our fingers throughout the year.

I begin this Advent in a different home on the other side of the country, at a different job, with two roommates in addition to my daughters, and with an updated outlook on life. I breathe the ocean air and excitedly await the opportunity to begin each day. The weather in southern California doesn't exactly bring about the nostalgia of my Virginia hometown during the holidays, but there is definitely something about this place that facilitates reflection during recreation ("Reflection During Recreation"...that kinda sounds like some weird exercise class. But seriously, I just made it up. Just now).

So let's see...
this time last year, I had gone from Wife to Single Mom; from beloved daughter to distant relative; from sleeping in on Sundays to exploring my roots in the Episcopalian Church. I was embarking on the greatest and most painful challenges of my life, willing my way through what had become a darkened and fearful existence.
But, it was Advent, and through it all, I was hopeful.

As 2012 progressed, I was reading more and more and realizing that it wasn't over. My life wasn't over. It was dark and scary for sure, but hope remained.

I wasn't damned by God for getting divorced.
I wasn't damned as a Mother for picking a new career, which I believed without any doubt was my calling. My destiny. My reason for being here.
I wasn't damned as a Christian for walking away from the Church for a period.
I wasn't damned as a friend for choosing to be solitary rather than sociable.

Every time I believed it was all over for me, it wasn't.
Last weekend, I spent some time in Yosemite. There is nothing like the majestic views of a place like Yosemite to remind us that we are not the End All of the universe. Our decisions, although will always have consequences, are not going to make or break the world. Trees burn down, and forests regrow. Millions have traversed the paths we now wander. Generations have looked heavenward for answers and guidance to challenges we can not even fathom.  

Nature and the Soul

"We only treat badly those things whose souls we disregard." (Moore, Care of the Soul, 270)

Later, Moore writes that "any true relationship requires time, a certain vulnerability, and openness to being affected and changed." I think vulnerability is, quite often, a lost concept in our cultures and in our relationships. Some of the time, I think this is a good thing. There is something to be said for self awareness and the awareness of others around us. On the other hand, lack of vulnerability facilitates games and disconnect in some of the most critical relationships in our lives.

I was thinking about Moore's comment on the "souls we disregard" and I began wondering how often we even take the time to regard another soul. The observance of another soul requires some level of vulnerability, as we must allow ourselves to go to a deeper place in our minds, hearts, and souls to silently observe that which we see in front of us, the spirit and soul of another. This is another Being who has purpose and calling and dimensions. The observance of these dimensions and the consideration of this Being require that we allow empathy to reign for chunks of time so that we may be more aware of another's State of Being.

Pascal wrote, "let us imagine a body full of thinking members." But before we can go this far, to allow ourselves to see or imagine others as thinking members, I think we have to also take a step back and consider how we view nature.
And what is nature, but the most exquisite beauty we encounter. Nature is comprised of breath and air, deep blue skies and oceans of mystery; it is the vast glory of space, and mountains that contain remote silence that is enriched with wonder. If we were to judge nature by itself, we would be able to regard the souls that dwell within it.
I do not believe that you have to be a person of Faith to acknowledge the soul of others. A deeper understanding of nature, and a reverence for its wonders, is a mind-opening observance which allows each of us to go a step further and view others as a part of this beauty, and the Soul of nature itself.

Taking a walk along a river, or through the woods, or even through a peaceful neighborhood allows for this deeper connection with nature that I am thinking about. I wonder if these types of cathartic walks and encounters with natural beauty would allow us to have a deeper connection with all that surrounds us, thus quieting our cynicism and double thinking. I think of Emerson and his essay, Nature, and his assertion that man does not observe nature as he should, and as a result misses all it has to offer him. Emerson wrote, "Adopt the pace of nature. Her secret is patience."

All of this talk about nature and beauty transcends the great outdoors. Man is part of nature and has the ability to contain her beauty. Those who disregard nature will also disregard Man; and those who disregard Man will also disregard nature.

The soul will thrive when it is exposed to nature and, I think, this constant exposure to the beauty around us will encourage our own souls to go to a deeper place of understanding, which, in turn, will influence our ability to observe the soul of another. The willingness to look at another Soul, and consider its depth and wonder and driving forces, is what allows us to have the solid foundations for the vulnerability we need in our relationships. This will be the catalyst to our own personal growth and change.

Moore-Inspired Thoughts: Soul and Imagination

“Could she eventually become free to be an individual, rather than the main character in a story from her childhood?” (Care of the Soul, Moore. PP 237)

This line jumped out at me and took my breath away. As I sat there reading, I was considering when I lost my own imagination and, ultimately as a result of that loss, my Self and my sense of my Soul.

We love children because of their freedom, their imaginations, their joys, their wit—they are otherworldly to us. They remind us of what Was, before “real life” grabbed hold of our hearts and minds and our imaginative voice became silent, overwhelmed by the noise of fundamentalism and practicality, the noise of moralism and idealism. We catch a glimpse of these forgotten parts of ourselves when we see children play or when we listen to their concerns.

We are multi dimensional creatures, yet have somehow become accustomed to being one-dimensional. And we wonder why we resent being adults, bored at our jobs and barely scraping by in our personal lives. When was the last time you attempted to interpret your dreams? What was the last ritual you allowed to take hold of you, actively engaging your need for something deeper and more meaningful in your everyday existence?

When we lose Imagination, it’s easy to forget that we are soulful creatures, made up of stories and experiences and dreams and aspirations. We forget that we once existed in a universe of monsters and villains, and that we were the heroes who saved the villages! The sad part is that we still live in a world of monsters and villains, and we are called to be the heroes. When we become complacent, forgetting spirit and soul, we fall asleep and only partially awaken in moments of torment and anger and despair. Yet, we do not even acknowledge those awakenings as anything other than what we like to call “circumstance” or “being an adult.” Sometimes we awaken in moments of joy, but we allow those moments to be fleeting and we give in so easily to the minutia of our newly-found one-dimensional existence.

It is easy to be taken by surprise when someone steps over your boundaries. Oftentimes, you might be unaware that this certain line even exists, until it is crossed. Yet, after the explosion and argument that ensues, how often do you take a step back to examine that line? Do you ask yourself what dimension of you was just unveiled? Was it a Demon or an Angel? Was is a shadowy figure from your past, or was it something beautiful that has yet to be explored? Perhaps it is a theme in your life that you have not yet discovered, but it may be a key to your personhood that you have forgotten, and it holds an essential component to your fulfillment.

Our loss of imagination and soul marks the loss of individual livelihood. When we give in to world views and expectations and give up on soulful and imaginative thoughts, fantasies, and desires, we become…

Well, we become what we have become: blaming our parents and our circumstances for our compulsive behaviors, our loneliness, and our inability to connect to anything or anyone worthwhile.

It might be time to begin engaging in the search for your deepest soul and imagination; time to embark on the journey to see through your mind’s eye the images and gods and themes of joy and your universe; time to, once again, be free to be an Individual—not a mere Character in your life, which probably at this point, has been neatly boxed in and characterized and titled by some Psychologist somewhere as being nothing more than “Survivor” or “Adjustment Disorder” or “Manic Depressive.”

Quote on Reconciliation

I found this to be incredibly profound. It references a husband and wife, but I think the concept is much more broad then that, touching every close and intimate relationship we encounter and wish to maintain in our lives. The "easy way" is always the hardest way, ultimately. If you aspire to reconcile the easy way, you can kiss your relationships Goodbye.

We do not usually rush to expose our vulnerability and our sinfulness....If a husband and a wife have quarreled without the wrongdoer acknowledging his or her fault by confessing, so exposing the cause of the rift; if a husband in this situation comes home with a bunch of flowers and the couple pretends all is in order, then they will be in for a rude shock. They have not dealt with their immediate past adequately. They have glossed over their differences, for they have failed to stare truth in the face for fear of a possible bruising confrontation.

They will have done what the prophet calls healing the hurt lightly by crying, “Peace, peace where there is no peace.” They will have only papered over the cracks and not worked out why they fell out in the first place. All that will happen is that, despite the beautiful flowers, the hurt will fester. One day there will be an awful eruption and they will realize that they had tried to obtain reconciliation on the cheap. True reconciliation is not cheap. It cost God the death of His only begotten Son.

—Desmond Tutu (1931- )

"Once more into the breach!"

"I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass." -Maya Angelou

 

Ok ok...it's another Go Get 'Em blog from Elizabeth. But seriously, this is the stuff upon which I meditate almost constantly. More so when I am in the midst of a failure, which, I happen to be right now! 

 

I have been doing some reading on Maya Angelou and continue to be amazed at her accomplishments. Since I'm an overly-competitive, perfectionist, obsessive compulsive, anal retentive, relentless biotch, I am constantly comparing myself to other people. It's not in the sense that I want to be better then them (although this is true sometimes, of course. I will kick your ass in any race!), but I am measuring to see if I, too, am living my life. I want to know if someone will someday want my autobiography, or to make a movie or play about me, or even just want to know how I got to where I will end up. I wonder what I am doing that could be extraordinary or noteworthy.

 

What is it about these people that makes us want to know their stories? Why do we study them? Who were/are they, and why do I care?

 

I thought about a few traits they embody, which are unique and amazing on their own:

Self awareness

Determination

Inability to accept defeat

Creativity

 

I recently read an article about some of the greatest "failures" in history. What a fine, fine lesson in perseverance. My favorites:

 

Abraham Lincoln: Failure after failure, and I have come to learn, struggled with melancholy his entire life. Lincoln said, in his famous NY speech, "Let us stand by our duty fearlessly and effectively." The context was key during his speech, as he was speaking about ideologies and slavery. However, I think it can be applied broadly to the human race in any time we are facing impending defeat, perceived failures, or when we need to remind ourselves that we are here on this earth for a reason, and we are responsible for fulfilling a purpose. It's a Call to Action. Remembering Lincoln's words and the struggle our nation faced during that time certainly brings perspective to our current situations as well.

 

J.K. Rowling: Let's hear it for the single moms who don't give up or give in. This woman was about as relentless as anyone can be. What incredible lessons she taught her daughter... and wow....does she not define "Creative"? Rowling said in her commencement address at Harvard, "Failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy to finishing the only work that mattered to me....And so rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life."

 

Thomas Edison: How many of us were lead to believe we weren't good enough, smart enough, tall enough, whatever-enough to get what we believed to be our destiny in life? What do people know, anyway?! Edison "didn't fail once"!

 

Michael Jordan: Admitted that failing over and over is how he achieved his success. If you consider the greatest athletes in history, its mind-boggling to wonder how many times they "failed."

 

Stephen King: Illustrates the importance of surrounding yourself with people who know better then you do, and who believe in you and when you have been overcome with darkness.

 

A common thread in all these incredible characters throughout history is their Creativity (capital "C" because it's seems to have been a Being in and of itself). They allowed their minds to wander and explore, and then took action as often as they could. I believe that being creative is the key to surviving your own perceived failures. Psychologist Mihaly Csikzentmihalyi once said, "Creativity doesn't happen in people's heads, but in the interaction between a person's thoughts and a socio-cultural context."  

 

All of these things are stories and thoughts that I relate back to my daughters. When they want to give up, give in; when they face the sting of defeat; when it seems the tears of heartache occur more often then the sound of laughter, I wonder what I will tell them. It's the same thing I am always telling myself; the same thing Maya Angelou captured so effortlessly in the statement above.

 

I relate them to my friends, too, and the sad faces and personalities I encounter every day. We're all in this together and, the way I see it, NOW is always the time to kick a little ass.

 

Raise a glass- kick some ass- and get what you want.

 

What will your Biography say?

Photo Blog

A photo blog seems like a good idea right about now.

This is what I have been doing for the last 4 weeks:

It’s totally kicking my ass, and it makes me feel like this when I am finished:

I’m hoping that when I finish, I will look like this:

Kidding. That’s fucking gross. That woman probably eats her young.

Speaking of Young…

The kids are doing great in school, and I keep being asked to join the PTA. I’d rather do this:

This guy is my current obsession:

(check out his superior cooking skills here)

If you are interested in killing some time, these are awesome:
Prisoner Blogs!

Haven’t done this in almost two months:

Have been doing A LOT of this:

And these are a couple of recent favorites:

KID PLANK!

This is the only snow we got this year. Lame.

Recent photo of me:

Currently reading:

And lastly, my current playlists have consisted of Incubus, Avenged, The Xx, Little People, Jack Johnson, and Mozart.

Cheers, everyone, and welcome to the end of February!