Back to Work

We all know that being a mom is not for the weak or faint of heart. The only thing easy about being a mom is loving your children (note that I did not use the word "liking"). A mother's love is so natural and immediate. With that easy love, however, comes more struggle and uncertainty than any mom is prepared to experience. So many decisions to be made. 

There has never been a true consensus amongst women about what is better: working or staying home. There are a few enlightened mamas who say that whatever is good for mom is good for baby. That makes up about five percent of women, in my experience. The other 95% are condescending, passive aggressive know-it-alls who are certain that their choice in the matter is the universally right choice. These are the women who shame anyone who makes a different choice, perpetuating a cycle of women against women that continues for generations and generations. 

The truth is that this incredibly personal decision is an absolute struggle for all moms. I think it presents more tears, concerns, and internal struggle than almost any other parental decision we make. Even if mom is sure of her decision to go into work or stay home, the domino effects on the baby and her family weigh on her day and night. It's not just one decision; it's a million decisions which are reevaluated constantly, and for years. 

I am in the "I want to work" camp, and, trust me, I've heard just about every nasty remark there could be over the last 13 years. Everything from "We can't all pay someone else to raise our kids" to "Awww, when do you get time with your children" and, my personal favorite, "Oh, I just don't know how you leave her each day! You're stronger than me" (imagine the most condescending tone you can for that one). I've known enough stay-at-home counterparts to know that they also put up with the same nastiness. "I just have to have adult interaction," or "Don't you miss getting a paycheck?" and, "Oh, you don't work? Don't you get bored?" Ahem, really?  

She can't sleep at night,
but she can sleep during hockey.
We need to get this figured out soon.

I spent the last 13 years growing accustomed to juggling a job outside the home and after school care and daycare for my girls. It became like second nature to me. While I am used to giving an agonizing amount of thought to who helps with my daughters and where they go after school, I forgot that these choices are a completely different ballgame than considering care for an infant. With an infant, the mom who works outside the home has to anguish over a whole different set of issues. An infant can't defend herself or tell mom when something is wrong. Even a toddler can display definite signs of "this situation needs to change." The cries of an infant can mean anything. So, now I have been thrust back into that special layer of hell. Who can be trusted with my little Hope? 

My job is my calling and I have never hesitated to answer that call. Now, after having taken time off, I am eager to get back and do what I do. But my baby.... She's so small. It's crazy that I had forgotten these feelings. I know I felt them before and I remember how it all turned out. The perfect women came at the perfect times and my daughters were always loved and adored by my various villages while I worked outside my house. This time will be no different. 

Next Up: "The Third Time's a Charm" 

Who Needs Sleep?

Sleep is overrated. She tricked me for about three days and made me think she might actually have turned that wonderful "sleep" corner. Not so much. It was more like two steps forward and 20 steps backward. But being awake in the middle of the night certainly has its advantages. The house is quiet and I can sit there and think... And also continue to master the fine art of falling asleep in a seated position. It's remarkable how having a baby changes a mother's mindset and goals (probably dads, too, but I can't speak for them). It's not that the bar is lowered exactly, but babies are the great Equalizers and reality can be a real bitch. New goals include world-conquering achievements like brushing my teeth sometime before dinner and showering on gym days. I've gone out in public in my pajamas more times in the last six weeks than I did in the last six years. The best part about it is that I don't even give it a second thought. It's sort of liberating, actually. Plus, I live in a town where the men shamelessly wear Uggs, so it's not like I need to impress anyone. 

The middle of the night is sacred. No, I do not enjoy "bonding" with my daughter while we should both be sleeping. However, there is definitely something special about 5am to me. It's morning, but still quiet. She's pretty tuckered out from being up all night and eats peacefully. These are the moments that I truly enjoy. It's just the two of us and we are simply there. No distractions and nowhere to be for some time. Just peace and love. I reset my goals again and they are all centered around her and her sisters. It's like hitting the same button we hit every New Years Eve and on birthdays,except I have the luxury of thoughtfully hitting it each morning: today I will be more patient; today I will take better care of myself so that I can take better care of them; today I enjoy the little things and I won't rush; and on and on the list goes. 

The great Equalizer comes in this little 10 pound package of pink beauty and innocence, and she reminds me that life is full of miracles and second chances.  She brings me to a sleep-deprived state of delirium and somehow still has the ability to bring me to a level of overwhelming love and desire to do right by her. It's pretty incredible. 

Next Up: Back to Work- How can anticipation and dread coexist so equally?