Beyond #METOO

I hesitate to post this one because the topic is oh so sensitive. But as a mother of three girls, I have spent countless hours reflecting on it.

The entire #metoo movement has peaked and, I think, is probably on its decline. The time for reckoning has come and we can seldom watch the news without hearing another story outing some perverted opportunist. None of it's new to us women. We’ve known all along that things are different for us and our lives are a perpetual balancing act of self-assertion and accepting societal “norms” (gag). It seems that we have, once again, found ourselves on some shaky, barely established solid ground where we sort of come together in the interest of our common good. The story seems the same, however. As is our typical fashion, we love to undermine ourselves. We are no different from men in that way. There are the great ones who are beyond reproach, but they are shoved into the shadows while the disgusting pigs among them shine bright lights of privilege, dominance, and selfishness. For us women, we have our moment in the spotlight, we pick up traction, and then BOOM, there are many among us who shine bright lights of entitlement, ignorance, and band waggoning. Undermine, undermine, undermine. 

Women are not being taught to be warriors. (Neither are men, incidentally). Our society doesn’t want warriors. We want heroes. A warrior is different. 

A warrior IS beyond reproach, in her work, in her home, and in her head and heart. She needs no explanations or introductions. She walks a path of humble strength. Her power surrounds her as its own formidable presence. She is integrity, kindness, truth, and determination. She strives for perfection in all that she does and she never settles for anything less. Her mistakes are learning points and the scars of her sorrows become badges of honor. She stands atop her own mountain, queen of her universe, and respect follows her wherever she goes. She need not ever fear conflict because she is steadfast in her steps which walk a line of honor and strength. Woe is he, or anyone really, who  foolishly steps over the line. Her wisdom will determine her response, which is swift, powerful, and unequivocal. 

The challenge that #metoo encounters is that it’s short-sighted. There is a difference between asserting ourselves from a position of anger verses a position of power. Anger can be an amazing tool with a fire that burns hot enough to fuel any movement; however it is not enough by itself to sustain change. Understanding that all change can and will be consistently undermined by the bottom-feeders among us, if we don’t live as warriors we will never be able to achieve the kind of change and balance we deserve for ourselves. The same goes for men. The bottom-feeders among them will always hold them back from the greatness to which they are called. When I think of “male warriors” I almost laugh to myself because those species pretty much don’t exist in our society. I have the same feeling when I think of women, too. Leading a movement doesn’t make you a Leader and a Warrior for change. Without integrity, your movement is a house of cards. 

If we are going to say "Time’s Up,"  we need to realize the implications of that. It means time's up on raising our daughters to accept anything less than excellence from themselves. It means having difficult conversations and setting examples and empowering them to do great things. It means teaching them that they are owed absolutely nothing and that it’s on them to earn everything. It’s telling them that dignity doesn’t start after college, it starts right now. It means that anger is embraced as a fuel for the flame, but can never be the flame itself.  It means admitting our own mistakes, failures,and short-comings and making decisions to rectify all things moving forward. It means setting new mantras and goals, which are rooted in our hearts and heads by seeds of love, power, determination, and honor. 

Honor. Live with honor and respond to all things with honor. Women need to seek greatness relentlessly. #metoo has started the conversations and the reckoning, but it’s not enough. We need a change of heart and a fortitude of spirit that reaches beyond this generation.

Time Flies

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Naomi, age 4

People take the liberty of saying a lot of things to new parents, most of which aren’t helpful at all. Actually, they also take the liberty of saying some downright horrible things to parents. Some of my favorites include all the wonderful “Just wait” statements, which are a combination of condescending, damning, and nasty all at once. “Just wait....

“Until the terrible twos.”

“Until she learns how to talk...she’ll never stop,”

“Until she becomes a teenager.”

“Until she brings home her first boyfriend.”

I used to just smile and take it. I likened it to those people who have nothing useful to say, so they feel the need to tell you that you look tired or that you need to smile. They are the same types of people who want to tell you that once you get married, your life stops; once you have children, your life stops; weekends on the soccer field are a burden; and the life which is the typical “be all end all” for most of us completely exhausts them to the point that they can’t wait to go back to work on Monday mornings. These people are in a perpetual state of “woe is me.” 

Recently, since having Hope, I’ve found that these ridiculous comments don’t bother nearly as much as this one, specific, well-meaning observation. When I am out alone with Hope, people make the assumption that she is my first and only, and feel the need to tell me, “Cherish every day because it goes by fast!”  I just smile and acknowledge and move on. But that particular comment is painful because it’s so true. Without knowing it, those people step on my feelings every single time. 

Naomi, just shy of 2-years-old

Yes, I know it goes fast. In the blink of an eye, I went from watching Naomi take her first steps to reminding her that her high school orientation starts at 6pm. As she goes through my closet to pick out one of my shirts that she’d rather wear than one of hers, my mind’s eye sees her come running into my room beaming with pride because she dressed herself for the first time. I have moments of panic because I only have four more years before she’s considered an “adult” and she can do as she pleases. All the hard work we put in to teaching her, loving  her, guiding her, disciplining her, and playing with her is coming to its grand crescendo before she begins a whole new song. I find that when people make nasty comments about teenagers, I feel instantly defensive and resentful. If there is any drawback whatsoever to MY teenager, it’s that she’s so sweet and amazing that I can’t imagine having a home without her in it. 

It’s a surreal experience, having one in diapers and the other starting high school. They are both my babies. They are both innocent, pink, little people who own me and require my whole heart and all the love, affection, reassurance, protection, playfulness, guidance, and patience I have. The only difference is that Naomi stands on the precipice of something wildly new and free, and once she jumps, there is very little I can do to protect her anymore. It’s absolutely terrifying. 

I can only hope that she’s prepared. And, at the same time, that somehow I’m prepared. 

Naomi, Age 5

But, is any mom ever really prepared? I guess so. I mean, at some point during the pregnancy with her, I was ready for her to get the heck out so we could move on to the next phase. Maybe this will be the same. Maybe I’ll transition from mostly fear  to excitement over her journey, our friendship, her successes, her developments, and her adventures. Maybe having a teenager is like a pregnancy. It starts with fear and anxiety, and then at some point, an overwhelming desire to move on sets in and both mother and child are all, “Let’s do this.” Then, the birth- the crucial transition-and boom, you begin something new with an infant. Then, with a toddler; a preschooler; a kinder; a middle school student; a teenager; an adult. Then Mother’s role transitions to that of a friend and sage adviser. I guess it all comes naturally. 

But it goes so fast.