Transparency

In terms of professionalism, we as a society demand transparency in nearly every aspect of our lives; from Congress to banks, schools, supervisors, and colleagues. We feel we have a right to open communication and ultimate accountability. So why is it that we feel entitled to conceal these things in our personal lives?

Open Communication:

The advantages of communication have been paramount in my life. Open communication has allowed me to unlock things that have been locked away for so long that I wasn’t even sure how to communicate them when I ultimately decided to verbalize these truths.

If you are open with others, they are open with you.

If you want something, what are you chances of getting it if you do not ask?

If you expect something, how can you hold others accountable if they are unaware of your expectations?

Most importantly: who is in charge of your communication? You? Or the person/people to whom you are (or are not) communicating?

Utilizing open communication has far more advantages than disadvantages. Allowing people to see you as you would like to see them breaks the barriers of secrecy, hidden agendas, and unknown motivations. This lack of connection almost always results in NOT getting what you want/need.

Some pitfalls of open communication: vulnerability, betrayal, or misrepresentation by others. I would submit that vulnerability in many regards is an essential ingredient to getting what you want. Vulnerability is a positive form of manipulation that allows your counterparts to see exactly who you are and what you are after, which takes the guesswork out of their decision-making process. Betrayal happens regardless of which path you choose (transparency or not). People who betray will betray, regardless of what they know about you. When you put Your Truths out there for everyone to see, you have not necessarily armed those who will betray. They would also choose to betray if they did not know your truths. As far as misrepresentation goes: what better way to avoid being misrepresented than to ensure that your intentions, desires, needs, and/or expected outcomes are right there in front of you for people to see/feel/hear?

Accountability:

Accountability is, to me, one of the most critical aspects of any relationship, both professional and personal. I could write an entire blog on Accountability.

When the stakes are the highest, accountability is what we rely on for success (NA, AA, weight loss, counseling, academics). Accountability is the unmistakable communication between cause and effect. Moreover, accountability is allowing your goals and intentions to be known, which effects how you go about living.

Transparency allows accountability.

Accountability encourages forward movement. Forward movement gets us where we want to be.

Placing your faith in individuals who will not hold you accountable is foolish.

Hiding your intentions so that others can not hold you accountable is foolish.

Without accountability, people have the ability to float wherever the moment takes them, which can be to some pretty dark places. Without accountability, direction can not be steered or monitored. Without accountability, failures go unrecognized; or, worse, failures are experienced alone, which doesn’t allow others the chance to encourage or love in ways that are meaningful.

Transparency, which invites accountability, as I see it, is the most effective way to communicate who you are, what you want, and what you expect of those around you. Without it, your ability to achieve many goals is severely impaired.

Brown v. Entertainment Merchants Association

I have to say that I am still a little stunned at harsh commentary regarding the decision made by the Supreme Court this week in the Brown v. Entertainment Merchants Association case. 

Facts in a nutshell: (2006) California passed a law that attempted to regulate the sale of violent video games to minors. Gaming industry sued under the 1^st and 14^th Amendments. Ninth Circuit found in favor of gaming industry. Schwarzenegger filed a writ of certiorari. Bing, bang BOOM, the Supreme Court surprises everyone by hearing the case.

Outcome: Supremes upheld the opinion of the Ninth Circuit, citing violations of the 1^st and 14^th Amendments, under the rationale that:

A.    Violent video games are not obscene

B.    California could not show a compelling interest in regulating the sale of “violent” games to minors. (1. The bill was too broad in language and 2. Parents should maintain all that decision-making power)

C.    The Miller test, or LAPS Test, do not apply

A: Obscene.

I don’t need to define “obscene” here. The first quote that comes to mind is the very famous quote by former Justice Stewart (Warren Court), “I’ll know it when I see it,” which was used in reference to the threshold for pornography. The Supreme Court has heard case after case related to the sale of materials that are  perceived to be obscene and has, for the most part, stayed true to what they believed the Framers intended when the 1^st and 14^th A’s were written. Our freedom of speech and due process under the law are principles that can not be easily cast aside just because some members of society are offended. Or, moreover, because state governments want to “help” parents make appropriate decisions for their children.

BUT, Liz, you say:

“If we apply the Stewart Standard, video games that depict rape, robbery, and murder are obscene! Anyone who says differently is lying to themselves and to their audience in the interest of seeming enlightened…or whatever.”

 I, too, find it interesting that Court is contending that our evolving standards of decency do not apply here. Note: the bill was not forbidding the sale of violent games. It was just regulating it.

However, and more important than our opinions and shifting slopes of “evolving standards”:

Obscenity Standards have applied to sexually explicit materials in the past and the Roberts Court contended that they did not apply to violence or games. Fair point. Court precedent wins.

B: Compelling Interest

Thanks, California! First, you want to punt the Pledge of Allegiance from our schools because of “God,” your “feelings,” something, something, youcantmakeagoodargumentforit. HOWEVER, you are totally in favor of LEGISLATION, rather than YOU, which regulates what your minor children can or can not purchase? Make up your minds!

Anyway, that was a little off topic. California could not show a compelling interest because there is no hard science to back up claims that violent media produces violent minors. Look to Columbine and any other national tragedy all you want, folks. The science isn’t there! Those violent incidences resulted in knee-jerk legislation by law makers who were desperate to appease scared, heartbroken, and/or weak-minded voters. However, the bottom line is that either you want the State to tell you what is good for you, or you don’t. You can’t play both sides of that fence where there is no apparent, tangible compelling interest.

C: Miller and LAPS

The LAPS test came from the Miller case (which ruled on the distribution of obscene materials) and consisted of the following thresholds:

• Whether "the average person, applying contemporary community standards", would find that the work, taken as a whole, appeals to the prurient interest,
• Whether the work depicts/describes, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct specifically defined by applicable state law,
• Whether the work, taken as a whole, lacks serious Literary, Artistic, Political or Scientific value.

What I found most interesting about this was that, in his dissent, Breyer wrote, “But what sense does it make to forbid selling to a 13-year-old boy a magazine with an image of a nude woman, while protecting a sale to that 13­ year-old of an interactive video game in which he actively, but virtually, binds and gags the woman, then tortures and kills her?”

Touché, Sir. Except... 

That’s just not enough to mow over the 1^st and 14^th. (Also, as I mentioned earlier, the principles of Miller and Ginsberg were directly related to the sale of pornographic materials.)

(Side note: If you read Ginsberg v. New York, you will be stunned that the opinion of the Warren court in that case wasn’t used for this one as well. Trust me, I agree with you, and so did Breyer in his dissent. The only thing I can figure is that the Roberts Court really believed that video games and pornography are different).

The gaming industry used ingenious Amicus briefs to make comparisons between presumably violent cartoons of the past (Mighty Mouse and Road Runner) and the level of violence in the public. The bottom line was that these violent games were not found to have a negative affect on the Youth of America. Sure, there is a difference between Mighty Mouse and Grand Theft Auto. HOWEVER, the State of California failed to illustrate it effectively.

Justice Scalia wrote the opinion of the Court and noted:

 "Like the protected books, plays, and movies that preceded them, video games communicate ideas—and even social messages—through many familiar literary devices (such as characters, dialogue, plot, and music) and through features distinctive to the medium (such as the player’s interaction with the virtual world). That suffices to confer First Amendment protection."

Scalia later wrote that “the principles of free speech can not be varied.” Whether or not we can all agree on the idea that violent video games are foul, disgusting, counter-productive to our goals as parents/teachers, we must remain focused on the principles upon which our great nation was founded. Our 1^st and 14^th rights are of paramount importance to our advancement as the world’s greatest nation. So, sorry if everyone disagrees with Brown. But seriously, California really botched this one in a big way…not the Supreme Court.

The Slumbering Society (Dare to Achieve II)

I often wonder what gets people moving. When I meet someone, one of the first curiosities I have is about what gets his/her heart thumping and why. The people who fascinate me the most are the ones who could clearly answer those questions in an instant. Those people are few and far between, unfortunately.  I don’t believe this is because others have never had purpose or reason. I think it is because, over time, these dreams and visions were “reasoned” right out of our minds.

It’s a strange shift in principles that seems to take place sometime during our twenties; a drastic shift in our Ideals Paradigm. American children are “encouraged” (I say they are forced) to over-extend themselves from the time they are in diapers until they finally escape the tentacles of their “over-achieving” parents and attend college somewhere far, far away. It is there that they blossom, strategize their visions, and begin the work of moving forward towards their destinies. Somewhere along the lines, however, the same parents who signed them up for little league at the age of nine months begin to sway them from their lofty aspirations. The clear messages are: that’s not realistic; that doesn’t make enough money; you can’t do all that. Their visions are clouded with doubt, which sets the stage for reconsideration, which slows the neck-breaking pace of success and achievement, and then BOOM...there is some cognitive restructuring and, not so suddenly, those lofty dreams become “realistic” dreams and they begin to live the Great American Dream. Hummmmmmmmmdrummmmmmm monoooottttoooony.

This, of course, isn’t true for everyone and I’m generalizing, obviously. There is certainly a select, fortunate group of people who truly can not wait for the sun to rise. They are prepared for battle at every moment and they intend to secure their dreams no matter what occurs. They have encountered the pitfalls; fielded the discouraging words; and worked through periods of preparation (or, what Dr. Seuss called, “the waiting place”). These are the brilliant people. These are the excited people. These are the ones who make YOU want to get out of bed in the morning and look for the next big adventure. I wish these people existed in abundance. These are the people who should be your mentors.

I’ll use this platform to encourage people to remember the beginning when they had dreams and great aspirations. Remember the excitement of planning and strategizing the next big thing. Remember the adrenaline rush that came with the fear of failing…and use it to force you to push harder. It’s not too late to be That Person.

If you can’t do it all now, that’s ok. Do a piece of it. You wouldn’t believe how healing that can be for the slumbering, weary soul. One piece of your dreams will give you the strength to go after more…and more…and then even more.

WAKE UP! Your life is worthwhile! YOU are worthwhile.

Consider the storms and changes you have weathered in your life. As I see it, beginning the beautiful work of achieving your dreams is a task you are ready to accomplish.

Dr. Seuss had it right:

“You have brains in your head and you have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose!”

Checkmate

Sometime in the last few months, I sent a letter to a close friend and confidant that confided my overwhelming desire to seize another big "checkmate" moment. I have been thinking about this for years, since I finished school. As I make the quick and steady approach to my 30th birthday, I force myself to reflect on my 20s. What did I accomplish, how, why, and how can I improve?

The fact is that I, regretfully, lost sight of the successes and treasured moments I enjoyed during my twenties. My focus is always on the next big thing. Every triumph leads to a new plan; every new plan to a new execution; every completed execution to a new stride; and then the cycle repeats.

Is this a function of the society in which we live? How often do people really sit back, drop anchor, and allow the moment to envelop them? I have started to believe that the effects of this constant forward-movement are more detrimental to our long term happiness than we are willing to acknowledge. The sweet taste of success should not be fleeting at all. It should be savored time and time again. I'm all about living in the moment, and moving forward with the next big dream; but without the critical reflection on those days when we awoke with the unmistakable "Checkmate!" feeling, I don't think we really position ourselves to derive our most potent energy for the purest source: our own souls. Instead, we are constantly shifting in our spiritual chairs, watching and waiting, wondering and planning, ready to pounce.

How long can we run straight into the flames at a million miles an hour before we experience the defeat of exhaustion? The paramount reflection here is that there truly is a time for everything, and a balance to every success. The planning and watching are constant, but these are also moments where resting and rejuvenating really matter. Why not truly allow yourself to clasp your hands behind your head,put your feet up on the table, and say to yourself, "I won"? We force ourselves to physically do this all the time. Why is it so easy to cast our spiritual well-being aside, under the guise of always being ready for the next big thing? You can't be ready for the next big gig if you have exhausted your ability to discern it. And certainly, if you are lucky enough to seize it, you are setting yourself up to be robbed of its beauty.

Our efforts were rewarded and we have positioned ourselves to seize countless "checkmate" moments, if we are wise enough to see the opportunities as they present themselves. For me, my goals are set for the next decade and my energy is replenished. I'm watching, waiting, and listening for my cue. Now, I think the most advantageous thing to do is to lay out in the sun, drink a beer, and take a deep breath. "Go time" could be any minute.

Little Ava

Ever since I played my guitar and sang for the kids at Naomi’s school, I’ve been treated like some sort of celebrity. They always say “Hello!” to me when I pick her up, and typically I am wowed with story after story of whatever happens to occupy their minds at the moment I arrive.

Yesterday, I was early and decided to enjoy the sunshine with all 40+ children as they played on the playground. I did my normal chitchat with the teachers and got up to speed on Naomi’s goings on (FYI: everyone loves her and she is never picked on).

Little Ava is a kindergartner with HUGE glasses. She adores Naomi and is always following her around. After the girls spent a good while showing me all the cool stuff they could do on the slide, Ava came over and said, “Naomi’s Mommy, you’re beautiful.” I responded, “You’re beautiful, too.” She launched right in to a story about her glasses and how she needs them because her eyes cross sometimes. Naomi interrupted the story and told me, in front of Ava, that the kids make fun of Ava’s glasses.

Dagger…straight through my heart.

I suddenly remembered every single time I ate lunch alone, played outside alone, and had kids laugh at me and ridicule me.

“I had glasses, too. I got them when I was eight and wore them until I was 26.”

Ava’s eyes got wide. “You did?”

“Yep. And mean kids didn’t like my glasses either.”

“They didn’t?”

“Nope. And trust me, sweetheart, your glasses show off your pretty eyes.”

She gave me a big smile and took off.

I should have become a school teacher.

For the Girls, Part 1

Since I originally started this blog with the thought that someday my girls would read it, and realize that I thought about things other than soccer schedules and nutrition values, I figure I’d better post something specifically for them. I have been thinking about this for a few months now and things are finally coming together in a way that I am fairly certain I can communicate them reasonably.

This part of my thought process refers directly to interpersonal relationships:

1.     Be succinct, always. There are certain circumstances where what you need to say will take more than five minutes to convey, but generally speaking, most of your daily thoughts and instructions can be effectively communicated in less than five minutes (sometimes, in less than five sentences). If it takes longer than five minutes, you’d better be the President.

2.     Consider your words carefully. Please, I implore you, do not grow up and become one of the millions who, without a thought, throw words and phrases into the atmosphere that have no significance or meaning. Stop….Think….Consider….then speak.

3.     There are many ways to measure your worth. Please consider one of the most important measurements to be how often you have a positive effect on the lives of others. How often do people seek your advice? How often are you their sounding board? How often do you calm a storm simply by being in the room? Do you play a critical role in the lives of the people you care about? Are you anyone’s hero?

Finally:

4.     Challenge your status quo. You can always be more remarkable, more successful, more interesting, and more challenged in your life. By challenging your status quo, you ensure that YOU are the person who plays the most critical role in your own sense of joy and fulfillment. Plus that, it makes you that much more valuable to the people around you.  

In the interest of keeping this concise, that’s all for now.

Anita Marie

Typically, I compartmentalize things very well; even grief. Especially grief. But, not this time. This time, it’s seeping through the cracks and filling all the pockets of my brain. It has consumed my every thought and has successfully thwarted my many attempts to be physically productive. The void her death has left is larger than I imagined it could have been. It’s a dark and painful void, yet I continue to wander around it; ask it questions, and wait for answers. My logical mind knows that these answers will never be found, yet I reach back into the void and continue to seek them. During the day, I carefully wander the void, looking at memories and asking questions. While I sleep, when I actually sleep, I am overcome by it and my nightmares swallow me whole.

How could she have done this? How could she not know what would happen to the world if she left it? What could we have done to save her?

Since she left, I have felt completely out of my body, like I am living in someone else’s nightmare, watching the torment. As each day passed, I denied that it was MY family that had been thrust into this hell. In the days after her death, I couldn’t collect my thoughts and I was weakened beyond anything I recognized as myself. Again, I wasn’t me…I’ve never been that weak. I remember certain moments that confirmed my weakness and supported my mind’s defense mechanism that was telling me this wasn’t my life.

The day after I found out, a friend told me to go running. I did as I was told. What else could I do? I didn’t know how to function in this other world.

The night before I flew down to say “goodbye,” I stood there in my closet, holding up two dresses. Which one was I supposed to wear? I couldn’t pick one because I couldn’t believe I would be wearing it to her funeral.

When I first saw her, all I could do was hold her hand, fix her hair, and try to make sense of everything. It still wasn’t real.

When they lowered her casket, I was sure the reality would come crashing down on me. She was gone. We buried her. I watched. Still in my mind, I couldn’t believe it.

When I watched the video of the eulogy I gave, I was overwhelmed. Both the truth of the situation and the out of body sensation I had been experiencing collided. I was watching myself speak, and seeing the anguish I felt. I’d never actually seen myself experience such a catastrophe. But there I was, standing just above her casket, begging 400 teenagers not to forget her, and not to give up on themselves. This aftermath, this agony, was mine. The collision that occurred during those moments shattered the protection my mind had created. All that’s left is devastation.

I need to remember how to compartmentalize. I need to tuck her away into the secret part of my heart, and only visit it when I can smile at the memory of her face, and at the fact that she is, apparently, no longer suffering.

The reality is settling in more and more these days, and, just as I begin to accept it, my sorrow turns to rage.